heard ma crying again tonight..it hurts so bad..i really miss pa too..recorded this under the blanket, whispering, hoping ma wouldn't hear me..i couldn't help it..i had to sing out the pain..it was too much to bear..

http://hertakeonlife.tumblr.com/post/5875398720

tears wiped, its time to dream..

today i went for an interview for the position of conference producer. initially i thought it'd be all administrative stuff like making sure there'd be enough chairs and such, but its more than that. if i get accepted, i'd be able to organize my own conference from scratch, sounds like hard work, but i love busying myself by doing things, organizing and all..the only downside is that 2/3 thirds of the conferences are finance-related, a field i have no experience in whatsoever, but i'll try my best..for the next round of interview i needa come up with a conference on risk management! yikes! i understand the social aspect but not the actual workings and terms...dang! research time!!! i guess finance-related conferences are where the monies come from..read up a little and i feel like investing!

hopefully i get this job and from there i can save up and gain more knowledge to make sound investments to clear off this study loan and everything else ASAP.

i like having things to do (stating this in opposition to feeling useless and bored)

gd day today! =)

Today marks a year that Pa has moved on to a better place..i initially thought of writing about how Pa has been the core foundation of our life and how he has helped me be the person i have become, in a positive manner, but i don't think i would be able to make it through the first few lines..instead..here's something Pa wrote about 6 years back..

Background: Pa had never gone to university because ah gong would only pay for his uni fees if he studied accountancy, but he had a longing for the arts, literature, political science, all of which were shunned as being impractical..so after becoming his own man with a wife and 2 kids, he decided give it a shot, to try for a Masters in Education, Power and Policy..he articulated his views well and his lived experience got him to where he wanted to be..he got accepted..alas he gave up his dream of getting a degree, a masters at that, just so he could continue to work to provide for us..this was on his cover letter to the university..

"Why Education"

It's about life, it's for life
It starts with what gives life.
Before life, after life.
Spirit lives on.
Knowledge
Light.

It's the human spirit.
What gives human spirit
What's not positive
What's positive.
Darkness then light. There's no darkness, just no Light.

What's giving that's not taking
What's love that's strict and compassionate at the ame time
Light.

Teach and be taught
Caring for others as they do us
Love
Training and disciplining essential
Edution with love, Great Love

Attitude to absorb
Humility to learn
Taking the lower seat, receiving...
Like a teacup from the teapot

Emptying oneself like a wine glass only to taste new wine
Open, Sharing, Giving
Happiness

-Original Thoughts by Chua Alvin, 3rd May 2005-

so today was the day..i knew this day would come..it's been nearly a yr now..we're all struggling on our own..trying to do our best for each other..trying to stay strong for each other..suppressing any pain we have so as not to affect each other..never talking bout how much it hurts..or how hard we're all trying to move on..today it happened..we lashed out at each other, screaming and crying..all expressing how can we not understand each other..how can we not understand what each of us are going through..each crying our hearts out..we're all really hurting inside..and it hurts even more knowing how each of us are suffering and still struggling to cope with things..the house was silent for a few hours..with each of us crying in our own corners, feeling that we let each other down..feeling that we let Pa down by not sticking together, by not being there for each other..it hurts so bad..we really miss Pa..i thought i could hold it all in..but i failed..i really wish for us to break out of this..we're all trying our best but things just don't seem to be in our favour..Pa used to handle all this on his own..providing for us no matter how tough things got..nv crying regardless of the odds..only crying when i left for Beijing and when Ken had to enlist..cos he really missed us and i wasn't there for him when he needed me the most..that would be my biggest regret in life..not being there for my dad while he was slowly slipping away..i'd do anything to get him back..i'm so scared i won't be able to do this..i've never felt so helpless and scared in my entire life and its freaking me out..i don't want us to hurt anymore..the 3 of us need to be a happy family..a happy family for Pa..

these few days my principles keep getting tested..i really wanna take a short breather somewhere, and frens asking me to go on hols with them and are willing to fork out muula for me..i appreciate the gesture, but its really against my morals..i can't bring myself to enjoy myself using my frens' money..i understand ya guys feel i need the break, but it just doesn't sit right with me, i'll feel worse going there n holidaying on ya money..though i sooo badly wanna go for a breather..the best thing ya guys can do for me is to enjoy on my behalf yeah? don't feel bad leaving me here, i am honestly fine, i whine, but i accept tt i have other things to prioritise above this..though its a weee bit of a depressing matter, through this, the realization that i have frens like ya guys who care for me..just really makes me happy..i'm so glad tt i have frens like ya guys..thanks =)

yesterday, the talk with C really..ya..i'm trying my best n  i'm progressing..though its the least of my worries now, i'll try my best to let my guard down n be more open n willing to try next time..i promise..

after all tt talk with C, you surfaced..kinda interesting how events take place..well..it really ain't ya fault..there were really good times n i thank ya for them, i really do..those not so positive moments, we take them in stride yeah? thanks for the great memories..now its time we make new ones on our own yeah? don't worry bout me, yeah i'm kinda going thru alot now, but i promise ya i'll be fine..and the pact doesn't stand anymore! stop thinking bout it! its not healthy! ya got a new pact to stick by! anyway thanks for standing up for me time and again..she's such a bitch..i thnk she knows..hahahaha..

tml's another day..live it..

so its morning and i haven't slept...

ma has been rushing me to get a job even though my last paper just ended only 4 DAYS AGO!!! bills coming in, i'm being told what i needa settle..which is a hell lot..dammit...and even if i  agree to start work like next week, who in the world is gonna hire me so soon when i haven't even officially graduated! sheesh! my results are nowhere near spectacular, so i'm probably gonna have to fight for a job in the same fashion i fought my way into uni..all this fighting..is getting fuckin tiring!

i keep telling myself i know i can do this shit! i'm so gonna clear it and make sure we live a proper life from now on, i'm not hopeful of going back to the really good times, i don't think i'm that capable, but i wanna make sure we live in sufficient comfort..right now i'm honestly freaking scared..i'm doing this alone and if i fail, that is probably gonna mark the end..i ain't being negative here, i am most definitely trying, but..fear is legit i suppose..

but i don't care! even if it kills me, i must get my fat sorry ass outta here for at least a short break..i believe i deserve a breather before i submerge myself into this shit-hole..hell! i'm gonna be stuck in it for the next few yrs! damn! C and i must make it somewhere and we're gonna do it based on our own efforts!

glad C settled things with B, though i doubt things would have changed much for him, well hope he gains awareness, acts upon what he knows and gets himself out of this rut..i'm glad that C faced it as hard as it was..

well sleepless nights ain't exactly an anomaly for me...prepared a full breakfast for ma and myself..got the printer up n running wirelessly, did laundry..sorted out the camera cabinet, cleared out more of Pa's stuff..cleared out some of the stuff from the library area..washed the balcony..now its time to stone..before ma nags at me to do something again...

i swear i didn't sign up for this, hell, if life came with a warning label or disclaimer i certainly missed it out!

the heart informs the eyes that pain needs to flow..today, i have let it go..

it happened 5 times today..

first was when i headed to where we scattered Pa's ashes..its gonna be a year the 23rd of this month..i'm still struggling to come to terms with it..

then coming home to see the bills and what i have to face in the really near future..i keep telling myself that i'm gonna settle it all and look after the fam..i keep psyching myself up..but i'm really afraid i might not be up to it..what if i don't make it..made me think back of how much effort and hardwork Pa must have went thru to provide for us..

then the movie reminded me of Pa yet again..its crazy how everything can remind me of him..

then on the walk back..thinking back on the times with Pa..how he gave us such a gd life in the initial stages..how he made sure we had nth but the best..falling from riches to rags, rags to riches and riches to rags time and again..but still trying his best to give us what we not only needed, but wanted..will i be able to do so and take on this huge responsibility now?

lastly, just a while ago..B is really gg thru alot..it sucks tt i understand how he feels but i can't help..it sucks that someone is gg through different yet similar misery and i can't help..i feel even worse for C..either way things go, its gonna hurt..i hate it when i see ppl in misery and i can't do anything to help..

why is it that we all have to be stuck in such horrible scenarios..

i ain't christian or buddhist or whatever religion...but tonight i make a prayer..

this silent prayer made tonight
rest the eyes of those in pain
heal the heart of those screamin'
set the tune to make it right
it has to start getting better..
can it start tonight?

i've been told to grow up, 

i've been told to be less serious and enjoy life, 

i've been told to be more serious and take control of my life, 

i've been told to smile more like i used to, 

i've been told to move on, 

i've been told to explore my options, 

i've been told to give others a chance, 

i've been told to be more approachable,

i've been told to say no to others, 

i've been told to stop being nice, 

i've been told to stop being mean, 

i've been told to stop thinking too much,

i've been told to think less for myself,

i've been told to think more for myself,

i've been told to stop helping others,

i've been told to relax,

i've been told to give myself more stress..

i hear all of this, but who really listens to how i actually feel?

Today i had the best belated b'day celebration ever! cos i know the amount of thought and effort that went into planning the day! although things didn't go as plan its really alright! Maybe i'm just not fated with doggies..lol

Instead of a doggy day, we engaged in serious discussions following which we then headed to Carousel! =) I can't believe you actually thought of taking a cab there la! (from orchard mrt lei!) hahahahaha..the spread, especially dessert spread was nice and as usual, we ate like pigs and talked bout stuff..

oh i have to mention this! while we were queing up at the buffet line, this insensitive bitch said this: "WA! so many people! they come from japan ah? earthquake then come here to eat" and she repeated it twice! SERIOUSLY! i wanted to slap her!!! WTF is her problem?! Where is her sense of humanity! and her equally insensitive fren had the cheek to laugh! She thinks she's so witty coming up with such a line huh?! SERIOUSLY! such ppl DISGUST ME!!! to make things worse, they were sitting at the table behind us!..thank god the food was able to keep me distracted and it was too delicious for me to waste it by stuffing it down their insensitive throats! oh well..unfortunately such ppl exist..

well..after over-eating we decided to work it off..so we shopped around..let's just say it was a somewhat fruitful trip =)

Thanks so much for the day!!! i really appreciate it!!! thoughts and efforts and company are immaterial gifts that i gladly accept and value way over other things!!! as cliche as it sounds, but tt's my standpoint =) THANKS AGAIN!

sidenote:
my dear ou xiang has just given me another reason to admire her! Stoofi just threw out an idea on getting dancers to come tgt in a joint effort to do something for Japan and within 48 hrs DANCE FOR JAPAN was formed! =) i'm glad to be a part of this so i can do my bit too..wanted to do something but didn't know how to go about helping and stoofi provided this avenue. The ex-co is now working hard to realize our goals of the concert in 3 weeks time and we will get there with the help of kind partners! Everyone is so passionate about the cause and its so heartwarming to see dancers all working through to the wee hours to stage this event to help raise awareness for the avenues through which the greater public can do their bit for Japan too! =)

Apart from FYP, this week is off to a great start! =)

ok...as expected..i only blog when i'm feeling down..its not that i haven't been happy..in fact these past few weeks i've really been quite happy...but reality has to kick in and wake me u from my dream..

i hate this bit about me..i only put effort into things that i really wanna do..other than tt i kinda heck the rest..well..fyp's been one of tt..

so HOCC has ended..i really enjoyed the feeling of performing with SRETHGIE..we really did put up a gd one..see it to believe it.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8jDbk4XoCQ despite my slipped disc, i still wanted to be part of this..and i did..

why can't i apply the same determination to my fyp..a few setbacks and change of topics..hell i've encountered so much crap in my life, what's a few in FYP? i need to want this..i need to do this fyp..why the hell am i procrastinating this much? i have never procrastinated this much in my entire academic life..i thought FYP would be fun cos i would actually be able to study something i like and have fun doing it, but not having the opportunity to do so i switched topics and somehow things don't seem to be on my side at all..i keep telling myself and others not to worry and tt i'll pull through..i'll do it..i'll make it good..but i'm seriously starting to have my doubts..just like how i thought i could do well in dance despite my slipped disc, i still can't excel..even without my slipped disc i ain't exactly good..urgh!

everytime i want to do something, i'm met with setbacks and this puts me off..then i chuck it aside and find something to immerse myself in, escape into..i found this in dance..but i NEED to get things done! why is it that my passion lies outside of what is required of me?.. i know everyone faces the same problem and is able to suck it up and deal with it..i guess i am just not up to it..i have 30 days to hand in an FYP..maybe i really should do something easy..but the C grade really might kill..but what difference does it make? i ain't exactly a top student..

urgh! insufficiencies just plague me!

i am actually really quite fearful of how things might pan out..
yet at the same time, hopes of the ideal still plague me..
its at times like this that i wish i could really be a pure instrumentalist..no ambition, no ideal, no risk-taking, limited creativity..just going through the motion of things to satisfy what is required..why can't i just settle?! are my thoughts really that far off that no one is willing to think or talk about?

MOE encourages creativity, thinking out of the box, probing into unknown areas to find out and learn more..i attempt to take a step in that direction and get shot down just because others are not willing to open up..Singapore keeps talking about promoting creativity and encouraging its youth to push boundaries, question what others seldom even bother fathom..but is Singapore's society really ready for such rude awakenings? With institutions apparently trying to push for progress but society limiting its actualization, how can one not feel "sardined"?!

this stand..is it really what i should be taking? its hard suppressing agency..why can't i be more of a conformist?! why can't i be more passive?! why must i think and question?! what good has it done for me?!

"Wa Lau Eh, You think so much for what?! Nobody care one what, like that means like that la, question for what?"

its just so sad that human intellect is limited by such means..